The Bachelor

The Bachelor Recap: Roller Derbies Gone Wild

Written by TVdale on . Posted in The Bachelor

This week's episode of The Bachelor opens with Sean in his underwear. Sean wears his underwear to wash his hands, then he wears his underwear to contemplate his day.

It's still just Sean and his underwear as he wanders around the house, thinking deep thoughts. Finally he goes to visit his clothes in the closet, because they're lonely.

Sean skipped his workout this week. This is no time to be neglecting the pecs, buddy.

Chris Harrison arrives at Bacheloretteville to deliver a Date Card. They always give him one to deliver. It helps keep him busy and out of the producer's hair. The next two Date Cards are just left at the front door. You know you've got a cushy gig when you're job-sharing with a doorbell.

The Date Card is for Selma. "Let's turn up the heat," it reads. Leslie H. cries. She's here for the right reasons, she tells us. It pains her to know Sean is turning up the heat with Selma instead.

Sean takes Selma off in a private jet to an as-yet undisclosed location. People judge Selma by her looks, says Sean, and think she's just a pretty face. Which is crazy, because she has a slamming body too. 

Sean says Selma thinks they're going somewhere "really glamorous." Which would be kind of stupid since she's wearing spandex Capri pants and a tank top. But maybe when you look like Selma you wear spandex and tank tops everywhere.

Oh, hahaha! They're going rock climbing! In the desert! Selma hates (1) heat and (2) heights. So this is going to be a true test of her character. Will she manage to overcome her girly inhibitions and impress Sean? Or will she quit the show in disgust?

Selma overcomes her fears and takes care of the rock-climbing business. Sean knows Selma's expecting something "fancy" to end the night, but guess what? They're eating outside! And it's not fancy!

It's unclear what the show intended with this "outdoor dining experience." A few small RVs are parked together. The RVs each have a theme, one of which seems to be "French poodle." No one explains why. Sean and Selma sit on a futon next to the RVs. The only food they get is a tray of marshmallows.

Selma doesn't want to kiss Sean until she's his "only lady." So instead they talk about how much they want to kiss each other. Sean gives her the rose. If he didn't, it would seem like he's dumping her because she won't make out with him.

Back at the House of Hos, another Date Card arrives. Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Ashley, Sarah and Tierra are told that Sean is "looking for a woman who can roll with the punches." Finally, a kick-boxing date.

It's roller derby, which is almost as good. Tierra tells us she has "aggression building up" that she hopes to unleash during the game. But Amanda totally steals her thunder by falling face first onto the ground and hurting her jaw. She's taken to the hospital, where hopefully someone will notice she's off her meds.

Sarah finds not having two arms is a significant liability in a roller derby competition. She doesn't want to participate, but she doesn't want to look like a quitter. We spend lots of time agonizing over this decision with her, only to have Sean decide a roller derby game is too risky. Instead they just roller skate around the rink while a bad 80s power ballad plays.

After what has to be the most boring roller derby almost-game in history, Sean and his harem retire to the roof of some building to have cocktails and sniff around each other some more. This show really loves putting people on roofs.

Amanda returns, having been pronounced fit to re-enter society. She tells us she's going to "milk" her injury "for all it's worth." Still not on her meds, this one.

Tierra's losing patience with this date. No way she's giving the role of Lead Bitch to crazycakes Amanda.

Tierra accuses Robyn of treating Tierra like she's "invisible." Which is probably the worst thing you can ever do to Tierra. Then she storms off to tell some behind-the-scenes people that she wants to go home. The crew doesn't seem particularly alarmed. This probably happens every group date.

Next we see Tierra stomping around the hotel, looking for Sean. Someone finally reminds her that it's nighttime, so she'll need to stand still and let the lighting guy set up if she wants them to get any usable footage out of this.

Tierra tells us she can't take "the fakeness." "I can't be tortured like this!" she cries. Then she crouches in the shadows and waits for Sean. He appears, wearing swim trunks and accompanied by some girl in a bikini – probably one of those fake bitches that's torturing Tierra. Sean asks Tierra what's wrong as the bikini girl hurries away. Bikini girl's no dummy.

Turns out Sean is totally into whackos, and he gives Tierra the Date Rose. "I'm crazy about you," he says. So are the producers.

Weep no more, Leslie H. The next one-on-one date is yours. Along with the pleasure of Sean's company, Leslie is given a pair of diamond earrings. Why? Well, as we're reminded about 17 times, this is the Pretty Woman date, where a bachelorette learns what it feels like to be a hooker with a rich john.

First stop, over-priced designer boutiques. "It's every girl's dream to shop on Rodeo Drive," says Sean. Sometimes his insight is staggering.

We watch Leslie try on a few cocktail dresses, and Sean tells her to get the one with the giant bow across the front. You should not take fashion advice from a man wearing a two-tone vest.

"One more thing we need to get," says Sean. "What more could a girl want?" asks Leslie. A pony?

No pony. They probably don't sell them on Rodeo Drive. So they settle for a gigantic necklace from Neil Lane that looks like Wonder Woman's belt. It's the only piece of jewelry they could find to compete with the giant bow.

Sean doesn't feel a "romantic connection" with Leslie. "It just isn't there," he tells her. Leslie gives him back the necklace. She gets to keep the earrings though, which means she's gotten more out of this experience than most women do.

Ben Taylor was supposed to perform a private concert for Sean and Leslie. Since Sean dumped Leslie at dinner, poor Ben has to play to an audience of one. Sean stands by a railing, looking melancholy and holding the rose in a careless manner. Uh oh. Sean drops the rose to the floor, where its petals scatter hopelessly. No one will ever accept that rose now.

Sean manages to pull himself together for the Rose Ceremony and makes out with a few of the women. Robyn comes on to Sean with a lame joke about tasting chocolate. Sean makes out with her anyway. Because, why not?

Later on, Tierra tells Jackie and Robyn that she's sorry. Even though it's really not Tierra's fault, since Jackie and Robyn were attacking her. But, still, she's sorry. Robyn and Jackie don't seem to know what she's talking about, and neither do we. The take-away seems to be that Tierra wants to get along now. So everyone smiles politely and moves on.

Tierra explains to us that her apology was actually fake. That is so surprising. Tierra hates fakeness. She had to do it, she explains, because she's ... independent? Or she's strong? We don't know. This isn't a well-executed plotline, Tierra. You need to step it up if you want an invitation to Bachelor Pad 4.

Meanwhile, Catherine shows Sean a notecard sticking out of her dress hem. It has a lipstick kiss on it. Subtle. They make out.

Now it's time for the Rose Ceremony, the most drawn-out 10 minutes in television history. The last two women standing are Amanda and Daniella. We don't know who Daniella is, but she's staying another week. Adios Amanda.

Sean walks Amanda outside, and says he enjoyed getting to know her. That's it. No earrings or anything. The girl almost broke her jaw trying to impress him, and he just leaves her in the driveway. The limo's not even there yet.

"I feel really rejected," Amanda tells us. She also feels "stupid." Both of which seem like appropriate reactions under the circumstances.

Next week, The Bachelor is on Monday AND Tuesday. It's back-to-back nights of helicopter rides, horse-drawn carriages and smack talk. Another medical emergency occurs, and it seems to involve Tierra's mascara running all over her face. Oh, the humanity.